When I was growing up in Ireland, I was always told to “treat others as you would wish to be treated yourself”. Instead, I say: “Treat yourself as you would wish others to treat you. Treat yourself as though you’re a dear friend.”
We don’t.
So many of us have been told by parents, partners and ourselves that we are not good enough. So, we strive more and work harder, and we become better at whatever it is we’re doing. We achieve great things. But is that really the healthy way to achieve things? Where do we go from there?
Does the inner critic say, “Well done. You made it, now just chill!”? No. That voice which we have unknowingly allowed to become part of our psyche is still there like a stuck record saying, “You’re still not good enough. Yes, you did an adequate job but hey, that’s your job, it’s what you’re paid to do so no points gained there.”
How did we get here?
We can blame it on our families (and that is very often the case when we are being driven in our formative years – literally driven), we can blame it on our spouse who takes their frustrations out on us and we can blame it on social media, but blaming it on someone or something won’t make it change.
Blaming it on someone or something won’t make it change
It’s easy to blame social media for making us anorexic, ashamed, over-tanned or over-botoxed. But it’s the whole of the supremacist culture we subscribe to that is influencing us.
We have to eat gorgeous food and then we have to diet. We have to be entertaining at dinner parties, but not too entertaining. We have to look good and sound good, and we absolutely have to feel good and “don’t worry, be happy”.
I went on a meditation retreat for three days recently. The other people who arrived were trying to get this done as fast as possible. They didn’t have time for a 10-day Vipassana retreat. They wanted a drive-through retreat.
Oh, my goodness, could I possibly be one of them? Of course I was. I wanted all the benefits of a full 10-day Vipassana but fitted into my busy life of work and parenting my kids. Surely if I was good enough and worked hard enough and meditated the hell out of each day, I could make that happen?
I could not. It became glaringly obvious that my attempts weren’t good enough. And for the first full day, I found it very difficult to get rid of this feeling that I had messed up. I was inadequate. Three days wasn’t long enough. I have been meditating daily for seven years and yet even I can’t get this done.
I spoke to my teacher at the end of the first day. We shared some mint tea and sat outside with the birds. I told him about how I had wanted to do Vipassana for 10 days but, of course, that’s not possible because of looking after my kids. That I had tried to do 10 days crammed into three days. That I was not good enough after hundreds of hours of meditation to do this.
He was silent for ages. We sipped tea. Then he asked, “Does it matter?”
Long pause here.
I started to laugh into my tea, spluttering everywhere. Oh, my goodness. Of course, it didn’t matter a damn bit, did it? Not being able to cram 10 days into three days is just maths. Of course it wasn’t possible and of course it didn’t matter one jot.
I know for sure that I have said things to myself that I would never, ever say to a friend or even a stranger
Now I know for sure that if someone had come to me feeling that they weren’t good enough to cram a 10-day Vipassana into three days, I would have helped them. I would have held a mirror up to them so that they could see that that’s OK. It’s not something to be achieved or finished. Meditation is never finished or completed, like an assignment submitted. Three days is three days and that’s definitely good enough.
That friend would have left my embrace knowing that they are loved and doing a great thing over those three days. I would have treated them like I would want to be treated. I know for sure that I have said things to myself that I would never, ever say to a friend or even a stranger.
The external critic
I meet some people in my counselling rooms who have spent the majority of their lives living with a critic, be that their parents, spouses or peers. So, the feeling of inadequacy is ingrained in them. It’s become their truth and part of their whole persona. Because of the external critic, like an extra layer of domination they have now developed an inner critic to keep them down in their place when they’re not physically with the actual propagator of this self-doubt: just in case the real world tries to boost their confidence or make them feel better than just adequate.
And thus, the inner critic is born to carry on the legacy of the perpetrator. How on earth can we shake them off? If the criticism and assurance that you’re not good enough has always come from your parents, you will believe it as the truth. You can’t help it.
And even when you start to outgrow this cloud of unworthiness and peep outwards from underneath it to see that actually sometimes you are indeed good enough, or – dare I say it – good, it takes very little to send you back under that cloud for shelter from the uncomfortable bright glare of praise from others for doing something well.
It can feel “safe” to return to the family bosom of truth where every family member knows the true you: the one who’s not good enough.
What a lot of courage it will take to step away from these firmly held beliefs you’ve had […] and step into the unknown where people who barely know you tell you that you’re good enough
What a lot of courage it will take to step away from these firmly held beliefs you’ve had since birth or marriage, and step into the unknown where people who barely know you tell you that you’re good enough, your work is good, your smile is comforting and your taste in music is awesome.
Making friends with your inner critic is the first step.
Befriending your inner critic
TikTok, Instagram and basically any visuals that tell us that we need something to look better, feel better or be better are part of our life. Self-hatred or at least self-criticism is big business and drives economies.
Ageism, body-shaming and envy-induction are fantastic tools for selling to us the idea that we just aren’t good enough… yet. So, noticing that we have an inner critic is the first step. Close your eyes.
Just noticing, non-judgementally, means that we aren’t seeking to blame anyone or anything for our having this inner critic even though we know the source. We’re just sitting quietly looking at it.
Just noticing, non-judgementally, means that we aren’t seeking to blame anyone or anything for our having this inner critic
Then, see if you can soften your gaze towards this critic. It doesn’t have to be hated, nor does it have to be gotten rid of. Can you be gentle towards this misinformed friend? It doesn’t have to be believed and rule our decisions. It doesn’t have to be shut in a box in the vain hope it won’t rear its head again. It will.
Instead, how about trying something new and allowing it to just be there, within your space, sitting in the periphery of your mind. Like you know it’s there, you can accept its presence in your life, and you can still say to it, “Thanks for the advice, but I’m going to have a different perspective.” Or “I can hear you like a stuck record saying I’m not good enough. However, I disagree and I’m bigger than you because I’m tangible, mate.”
Once you identify your inner critic and once you look them in the eye, once you’ve spotted them, you can give them a name. This disempowers them.
Through my giggling, I identified this particular inner critic of mine as bad maths (ie three cannot become 10 just by working hard at it).
When your eyes are closed, focusing gently on your inner critic with curiosity and a gentle mind will disempower it.
When your eyes are open, taking charge of your focus and placing that critic into the periphery of your mind will keep it quiet while you treat yourself like a dear friend and take time to notice what you’re doing very well.
